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True happiness -

How to achieve real happiness? The question many of us pine over. What if unlocking true happiness comes down to a simple mindset shift on how others see us?

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'The Courage to be Disliked' -

This is the argument that Japanese authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga propose in their best-selling book, 'The Courage to be Disliked.'

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Hypothetical conversations -

The book is written in the format of a hypothetical conversation between a young person, asking critical philosophical questions, and a philosopher.

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Alfred Alder -

The book is centered around theories emerging from Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Alder and many believe that the philosopher is, in some ways, a fictionalized Alder.

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Freedom to be disliked -

The key element to the book and to Alder’s theory is that happiness rests in the freedom to be disliked by others. This doesn’t mean actively pursuing being disliked, but rather accepting that when we are “living in freedom,” not everyone will be pleased by our actions.

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Others' expectations vs. what we want to do -

What does this mean in a practical sense? The book's authors argue that many of us live in a way that seeks to please the people in our lives. Therefore, we may engage in behaviors or choices that seek to emulate what other people think we should be doing, rather than what we actually want to do.

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Constriction vs. freedom -

Changing this isn’t about behaving impulsively and disregarding the feelings of others. It’s about not making choices from a place of fear of being disliked, as this is the essence of a life that is being lived in constriction, rather than freedom.

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Exercising your freedom -

In fact, according to the authors, being disliked is evidence that “you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.”

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Being disliked is unavoidable -

For the authors, being disliked is inescapable. If being liked is the center of your decision-making, you will constantly feel a sense of frustration. It's like living on a hamster wheel, eternally chasing approval.

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Authentic choices -

What does the book propose? Living life on your own terms, regardless of your past or anxieties about the future. This may be difficult for those who seek the approval of others or place others’ recognition over making authentic choices that align with their personal values.

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Risking being disliked -

This would mean making decisions and living in a way that does take into account what others think, risking being disliked in the process, and not chasing external approval, validation, or recognition.

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Recognition -

The aspect of recognition is an important element in the book. Many of us, whether in our homes or professional lives, seek recognition. While this is a common desire and it's not inherently ‘wrong’ to enjoy the feeling of recognition, it is the perpetual chase that causes unhappiness.

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Following expectations -

The authors argue: “Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be ‘this kind of person.’ In other words, you throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives.”

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Useful contributions -

The book argues that instead of seeking recognition, we should ensure that our contributions to the world are useful—whether recognized or unseen. Through this perspective, the secret to happiness is “a feeling of contribution.”

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Happiness from ourselves -

By subjectively feeling useful to others or to a cause through our contributions, we create and perpetuate a sense of happiness that comes from ourselves, our actions, and our desires, without external reliance.

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Self-acceptance -

Another important element of the book is self-acceptance. Are you able to accept yourself as you are? By working toward self-acceptance, we also open ourselves to accepting others as they are.

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Trauma doesn't exist -

This effort means that in reflecting on our lives, we cannot overemphasize the impact of the experiences we have had. This is regarded as one of the most controversial parts of the book, as it argues that trauma doesn’t really exist.

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Giving meaning to experiences -

Based on Adlerian psychology, while he doesn’t deny the existence of trauma in a broad sense, he emphasizes how it is not the experience itself that is traumatic, but how we give meaning to those experiences.

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How we respond to trauma -

From this perspective, how we react to our traumatic experiences ends up determining how we live. We create goals and attribute emotions based on our traumatic experiences. It is this behavior that emphasizes and gives weight to the trauma we experience.

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A different route -

It is this way of life, shaping our lives in accordance with the trauma we have experienced, that is what we have to address and change, according to the book.

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Disliking ourselves -

Another point that the book discusses is how we feel about ourselves. In the second chapter of the book, the young person expresses dislike for himself. Again, this points to the importance of self-acceptance.

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Creating narratives -

This is an issue that so many of us struggle with. We only place weight on our failures or errors, driven by self-criticism and judgment. When we do that, we create narratives that reflect how we feel about ourselves.

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Desire to be seen -

The premise of the book's theory is that we cannot live to satisfy the expectations of others. We are often consumed by this desire to be seen in a certain way in the eyes of others, and therefore, ourselves.

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The separation of tasks -

The book proposes we change our lives by recognizing “the separation of tasks.” As per Adlerian psychology, we must ask ourselves: “Whose task is this?” When we recognize what we are responsible for, we can recognize the most important lesson of the book: That it is you and only you who can affect the change you seek in your life.

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What we control -

By recognizing what we control and what we do not, in other words, what we are responsible for (for example, our responsibility over our actions) and what we are not (for example, how others feel about our actions), we can find a real sense of freedom.

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Sense of community -

Interpersonal relationships, including the relationship we have with ourselves, should be grounded in a sense of community. This is what is meant by the earlier discussion on fueling happiness through our contributions to the world, not chasing recognition or validation, but thinking beyond ourselves and understanding our role in the world.

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Key message -

The courage to be disliked is grounded in a key message of Adlerian psychology: “One must not praise, and one must not rebuke.” When we praise others, we create a hierarchy of favor, where we seek to give praise and receive it as the driving force of our actions.

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We are only responsible for ourselves -

By not offering praise or criticism, we drive into the most important lesson the book seeks to communicate, which is that we are only responsible for ourselves. How we see and engage with the world is up to us.

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Courage! -

In this sense, no one is better or worse than us. There is no hierarchy from this perspective. We are all equals and, therefore, equally responsible for ourselves, here and now. By removing the sense of competition and disregarding the judgment of others, we behave courageously. And it is that which the authors believe is the greatest impediment to our happiness: courage.

Sources: (The Courage to be Disliked) (Nate Kadlac) (CNBC)

See also: What the happiest country in the world teaches us about inner strength

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