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What is self-soothing? -

Self-soothing is a strategy that helps us regulate our emotions in times of distress. When we experience stress or an emotional upset, our nervous systems respond in a big way. We go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, which releases all sorts of stress hormones. Self-soothing techniques include anything that helps your body regain balance and bring you back to a state of relative calm.

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Why we need it -

Children are prone to getting upset or throwing tantrums rather frequently. As we get older, we learn how to handle our emotions in a more private manner, but not necessarily a healthier one. It can be incredibly difficult to suppress potentially disruptive feelings like sadness, fear, or anger when they strike us in public places or professional settings.

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Harmful alternatives -

Many of us turn to ineffective soothing methods that can actually make things worse, such as drinking alcohol, overeating, or scrolling social media as a distraction. Naturally, mishandling difficult emotions in this way can also impact our intimate relationships as well as our health.

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Roots in DBT -

Self-soothing is a practice rooted in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and was initially developed to help those who frequently experience intense emotions. Today, self-soothing is shared as a therapeutic tool for a range of mental health issues. It’s useful for more serious issues such as substance abuse and disordered eating, but can also be applied to everyday stressors.

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Self-soothing vs. interactive soothing -

Many of us turn to a loved one when we’re in need of comfort and support, which is a valid and effective way to regulate our emotions at times. This is called interactive soothing.

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The importance of resilience -

However, we don’t always have the right person around when something upsetting comes up, and it’s important for us to be able to soothe ourselves. Additionally, if we need frequent support, it can become emotionally overwhelming for our friends and family to provide that all the time.

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The health benefits of hugs -

Studies have proven that things like hugging and skin-to-skin contact are effective in releasing oxytocin, which increases our sense of well-being and reduces stress levels.

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Isolation and self-soothing -

During the COVID-19 pandemic, however, another study was conducted to see how self-soothing compared to interactive soothing for people in isolation. It concluded that self-soothing touch was just as effective as touch from another person.

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Taking back control - When there’s no one around to provide that soothing touch, or we simply don’t want to overload our loved ones with our problems, we have the option to soothe ourselves and get similar results. Now, click on for a list of the best self-soothing techniques as suggested by psychologists.

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1. Change your environment - If possible, try to change your environment for a few minutes. Ideally, this would be somewhere quiet outdoors where you can focus on nature, or a calming indoor room with a nice view.

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2. Breathe deeply -

For some reason, human beings tend to breathe the absolute bare minimum they need to survive. It takes conscious effort to take deep breaths and properly fuel our bodies in a way that helps them function optimally. It’s impossible to overstate the benefits of taking deep, conscious breaths.

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Diaphragmatic breathing -

Diaphragmatic breathing, in which you focus on breathing deeply into your torso so it inflates like a balloon, quickly and effectively activates the parasympathetic nervous system. This will reduce anxiety and racing thoughts, and slow the heartbeat to a comfortable pace.

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Box breathing -

Box breathing is another effective technique to soothe the body after an upsetting incident or thought. Breathe in deeply for a count of four, and hold for a count of four. Exhale fully for a count of four, and hold for a count of four. Repeat this at least four times, and you’re sure to regain some balance and calm.

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3. Journaling -

When we feel overwhelmed with emotion, it can be difficult to think clearly and work through what happened and what we’re feeling. Grab your journal or notebook and try to release some of the tension by writing about the experience in a stream of consciousness.

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Journal prompts -

If the stream of consciousness style doesn’t flow for you and you’re feeling stuck, here are some prompts to get you started: Which emotion(s) am I trying to avoid right now? Why am I trying to hide from this emotion? What does this emotion need from me? What is preventing me from addressing this feeling?

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4. Cognitive reframing -

If upsetting thoughts are the source of your emotional distress, you might benefit from trying cognitive reframing. We often become fixated on the “worst case scenario” version of events, which leads to a great deal of stress and anxiety. Cognitive reframing allows us to consider alternative versions of events.

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Rewrite the story in your head -

You start by writing down the distressing thought you’re having. For example, “I’m going to get fired for arriving late again.” The next step is to come up with three alternative thoughts that could apply to the situation, such as, “I’m a human being and I’m allowed to make mistakes,” “My boss is an understanding person,” and “I am valued in my job for the following reasons…”

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5. Have a good cry -

If you can find a safe space to let it all out, there’s nothing more cathartic than a good cry! Crying is a natural reaction to a challenging situation and studies show that it’s an efficient form of stress relief and emotional release. Grant yourself the time and space to cry, and consider it a self-soothing activity you’re doing for yourself.

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6. Give yourself a hug -

The brain can’t tell the difference between a hug you give yourself and a hug from someone else. Wrapping your arms around your chest and giving yourself a loving squeeze can quickly release some tension.

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Soothing self touch -

There are other forms of self-soothing touch you can provide to yourself, such as placing one hand on your heart and the other on your belly, and focusing on the rise and fall as you breathe.

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7. Talk yourself down -

When we start to spiral emotionally, it’s often helpful when someone calm and firm steps in to remind us of the fact that we are safe and we’re going to be okay. This is what our caregivers did for us as children, and we can learn to do it for ourselves as adults.

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Firm and kind -

Speak to yourself in a gentle, grounded manner when you’re feeling distressed. Acknowledge and validate your feelings, and notice what’s happening in your body. It might sound something like this: “I am feeling anxious and upset. There’s a lump in my throat and my heart is racing. It’s natural and understandable that I feel this way, but I am safe. These feelings will pass.”

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8. Go for a mindful walk - Take yourself outdoors, ideally somewhere with a bit of greenery, and walk around for 15 minutes. Pay attention to all of your senses. Take in the beauty of nature and the colors around you, breathe in the smells, listen to the sound of your feet hitting the pavement, and feel your muscles carry you forward.

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9. Try autogenic training -

Autogenic training is a relaxation technique that focuses on reducing the physical expressions of stress and promoting feelings of calm throughout the body. It’s best to do some research on the practice to ensure you’re familiar with the steps, but in essence it involves sitting or lying in a quiet place and focusing on different parts of the body while telling yourself that you are calm.

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"I am completely calm" -

It goes something like this: “My left arm is heavy. I am completely calm. My right arm is heavy. I am completely calm.” You can find guided autogenic meditations on YouTube to get you started.

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10. Listen to music - Create a music playlist for yourself that will soothe and relax you when you’re upset. Let your favorite songs or calming piano music wash over you as you focus on your breath.

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11. Rest your legs on the wall -

This restorative yoga position is known to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for relaxation. Lie on the ground on your back with your legs resting against the wall for up to 20 minutes, and you should feel some calming benefits. If using the wall is uncomfortable, you can rest your legs on a chair or bed.

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Preventive plan -

While it’s important to know how to self-soothe and have our tools ready for when we need them, preventive medicine is the best medicine! Make a plan to reduce the stress and upset in your daily life so that your days are calmer. This might mean reducing your screen time, getting some regular exercise, or journaling daily to ensure you’re processing your feelings as they come up.

Sources: (PositivePsychology.com) (Healthline) (PsychCentral) 

See also: Subtle signs that someone is struggling with anxiety

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